Major depressive disorder causes the following symptoms:
abnormal appetite - loss of appetite and weight loss or excessive eating and weight gain can occur; changes in appetite can be significant
abnormal sleep - most depressed persons experience difficulty falling to sleep, frequent wakings or very early awakening; more rarely, excessive sleeping can occur
fatigue or loss of energy - profound fatigue and lack of energy is usually very prominent and disabling.
agitation or slowing - slowing of speech, movement and thinking or physical restlessness often are present in major depression
inappropriate guilt - this disorders causes a marked lowering of self esteem and self confidence with increased thoughts of pessimism, hopelessness and helplessness.
negative thinking - thoughts caused by depression can become extremely dangerous as it can lead to self defeating beliefs and suicidal behaviour

I have always had a feeling of depressed. It doesn't feel good, but I can't help it. It feels like I am losing my faith within myself. I hate it so much, when I start to feel this way. I am so scared sometimes, I'm scared that I will eventually fade behind my depression and kill myself. I'm so fucking scared. Some people say, depression is something that our mind produce, and we can stop when I want to. But it's not so easy,  it takes over your mind, drives you into a negative state, a voice is telling you to despise everything that's around you.

I guess one of the reason that makes me depressed is because I like to be alone, and I'm always alone in my house. I always like the feeling of being alone in a dark room, sitting in a corner or lying on my bed and think. The more I think, the more my brain gets twisted, so a lot of bad thoughts will be created, a lot of bad memory are reminded, and it makes me so sad when I think about it. I don't like to be around people, they make me feel very anxious, the pressure of just being around strangers can make my hands go shaky. My brain thinks in a negative when I feel anxious, and it makes me cry and very catastrophobic. I don't really know how this happens, but it makes me feel like a reject when I'm around people. I try my best to hide my fear, but somehow they'd re-surface when I am alone, and when I am alone I feel worse. you know,  It makes you feel better to be alone but at the same time you can feel a bit out of your mind when there's nothing much happening around you. I hate to feel alone when I'm alone. I try to keep myself occupied to feel positive. But sometimes it just doesn't work, when the negativity hits you, it hits you right on the brain. I guess a lot of these type of stuff that I wrote or the whole homepage are written when I am occupying myself, that's part of reason why it seems to be so dark, but it's good to release it in a positive way, like writing poems or doing artworks, it's better than having suicidal thoughts or doing bad things to hurt myself.

I guess it's better when you are pessimistic, because you expected the worst, so when reality hits, it doesn't hurt you as much. I find happiness within sadness. It makes me feel better as bad things happen, because I know that I've been to worse situation so I will try harder to find a way out. It's like a balancing thing, you don't know what's good until you've been bad, you don't feel loved until you've been hated. I don't feel sorry for myself and with all  the shits I've been through, and I don't regret feeling depressed during certain period of my life. I learned the meaning of life from it. I grow from it and I become more content after it. 

It's no use just sitting there and feeling depressed. Nothing will change unless you start getting yourself together. Life is shit. Everybody knows that. We can't change the world into a better place, but we can make our lives better. I know how depressed  feels like, if you want it to stop, you'll have to WANT it to stop. It won't go away if you just sit there and feeling sorry for yourself. Try to think something else or a way to make you feel better is way better than thinking negativity stuff. Well that's how I help myself anyway.

I think a way to get yourself up is to get all the aggression or anger or depression out. Sometimes I make myself to feel the most depressed I can get, for a little bit of time, then when all that I can feel bad has been felt, I grow out of it and feeling better. Does it make sense? But that's how I do it. Just get it done over with, ya know. It's not a cure, but at least it helps to sooth it out :)

I think I am better now, I cleaned my mind a little bit, tried as hard as I can, to make my life content. I can't say I am totally cured from depression, I am far from being depression-free. But I feel more happier when things go bad now, I stopped feeling negative about the world. and I listen to a lot of silverchair and Nine Inch Nails :-)

Music is always the best medicine when it comes to depression or anger. and I must say, silverchair's music has helped me a lot. IF you are a silverchair fan, you will probably understand this. Neon Ballroom has helped me to identified my problems. 

Also I found Nine Inch Nails' music very soothing. When I am feeling down to my knees, I will listen to NIN. I think most people will associate NIN with anger or hatred or violence, but to me, I find it very relaxing to just sit back and enjoy Trent Reznor's voice floating in the air.